First Entry

Joy,

I've been meaning to do something like this for a long time now. A diary, a note here and there, or even an email telling you how much you mean to me. But alas, as you would say, I am my father's son. Words that tease and rib flow easy, but those that describe my inner most feelings rarely see the light of day.


But our relationship and most of all, the gift of having you as my wife and partner in this race means enough to me to want to share what you mean to me. I'm unsure when I will tell you about these blogs, so I'll put enough details in them so that you can hopefully remember if not approximate your feelings.

I guess the thought that overrides all other thoughts at the current moment would be the lump that is in your chest. I hate myself for not forcing you to do something sooner. I blame myself for putting my career, entertainment, and even Kate above your well-being. Never again, is the promise going forward. Your health will always be of the utmost importance from here on out. One mixed blessing is that the lump forces me to pray more. During my long commutes in the morning, I have been asking God to really care for our family. It scares me because I don't want him to use you to teach me a lesson about dependence. I pray to God that nothing horrible would happen to you and that I would GLADLY take on any sickness or suffering on your behalf. But I also realize that even a lump in me would probably not cause me to pray faithfully. It could only take something in you or Kate to cause me to pray consistently.

On a more upbeat note, I just want to say that your support to me means the world. Even as I right, I can see the time is 7 pm and I have to quickly wrap up so I can join you and Kate for dinner. I know you miss the late nights of chatting, watching tv, and doing nothing. I do too. I hope we can both become accustomed to my schedule sooner than later. I can only hope that for all the sacrifices you're making right now, God would reward you. I was originally going to write that I wish I could reward you, but I realize that His riches are so much greater than anything I can offer.

I love you,
your hubby